Cycle day 25.

July 5, 2007

It’s been a few days since I’ve updated, I know. There’s so little to say at this time of the cycle, when the waiting gets really excruciating. My shortest cycle ever was 24 days–meaning the day that would have been CD25 was actually the first day of bleeding. That month was particularly cruel since I had spotting on CD 24, which happened to be around eight days after ovulation–the perfect time for “implantation spotting,” especially since it seemed “way too early” for my period to be starting. For about 24 hours I was sure that I had finally gotten knocked up. Then came Aunt Flo, earlier than I had ever seen her arrive.

This month I don’t know what to expect. I’ve given up on charting my temperature, so I don’t know exactly when I ovulated. We did have sex a few times, although we missed a lot of so-called “fertile” days because my mother was in town, and I’m (some would say unreasonably) skittish about having sex with her in the next room. My last period started on June 11th, so today is CD25.

Thing is, and it may sound silly for me to say it, but right now I really, really, REALLY want to be pregnant. Even a few weeks ago, I didn’t–or, well, I was pretty ambivalent about the prospect. I’d gotten a close look at what it’s like to be the mom of a toddler (sticky, screamy, stressful), and let’s just say I wasn’t impressed. Plus, we were spending money right and left, buying a new digital camera, clothes for our upcoming vacation, random decorative stuff for the apartment, and I recall thinking, if I get knocked up, all of this disposable income disappears. We’ll be saving every penny for “the baaaybeee” and will have to stop and think before, say, spending $300 on a camera–or on anything other than baby stuff. And after stopping and thinking, most likely we will tell ourselves we can’t afford that $300, it needs to go into our savings account. Which means becoming parents is the end of hedonism chez G and cityprof.

Somehow, though, I seem to be okay with all of that. Toddlerhood, no matter how “terrible” it turns out to be, only lasts a few years. I have enough “stuff” (so does G, although he may not quite know it yet). I think we’d be awesome parents, and I think giving up disposable income, time, and sleep will seem like minor sacrifices when we’re looking into our kid’s sweet little face. Even not being able to drink while we’re on vacation in a couple of weeks seems like the most trivial of inconveniences. I’d give up a lifetime of margaritas and mojitos to carry our healthy baby to term, and that’s the truth.

…Anyway. Maudlin confessions aside, there’s nothing I can do now but wait and see. I only have one pregnancy test to my name, so I’m not wasting it this early in the cycle–my period will either show up in the next few days, probably on Saturday or Sunday if it wants to be typical, or it won’t. If it’s not here by Tuesday (CD 30), maybe I’ll consider trying to verify one way or the other. Meanwhile I’m trying not to hope too hard. After all, there’s only a one in five chance, which are pretty mediocre odds. But maybe we’ll get lucky.

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