Finally, seeing red.

July 10, 2007

After another 48 hours of zero period signs, not even spotting, I am thrilled to report that some very light bleeding has started, accompanied by what are very obviously menstrual cramps. Since I already went through my crushingly disappointed phase on Sunday, I’m just relieved that my period has finally deigned to show up. My worst nightmare would be full-on bleeding while we’re on vacation next week. But I should be almost finished by the time we leave for Cape Cod on Sunday. Whew.

In other news, we went to see Transformers yesterday, which means I could finally read this blog entry, one I stumbled upon during recent efforts to go from totally clueless to very marginally literate in the wide world of blogging. As you may have noticed, this blog currently has no blogroll, no list of blogs that I read, because until I got the bright idea to start my own blog, I wasn’t much of a blog reader. This is pretty lame of me, yes, and I have no real excuse, as any time I’d stumbled on or been directed to a blog I found it pretty interesting. But I wasn’t versed in the whole process of subscribing, keeping up with new posts, leaving comments, etc. So lately I have been spending long hours of each day trying to catch up on Every Blog in Existence. Well, okay, every infertility-, academia-, or blackness-related blog in existence, since those are my main life issues these days.

It’s slow going, as you may expect–and all I can say is, it’s a good thing I discovered the blogosphere after tenure.

ANYWAY. So, Transformers. I thought the post over at the ABW’s site was incredibly smart, and I don’t have much to add in terms of actual critique. But I do need to say one thing: I left that film feeling so, so… OLD. Sure, most big budget Hollywood blockbuster movies are made for teenage boys. But maybe 17-19 year old boys–boys who can drive, whose voices have changed, who have probably had sex at least once with someone other than themselves. This one seemed written for 12 or 13 year olds, max. If you’re over 30, I’d suggest you go see the new Die Hard instead.

On to the “infertility” portion of this post: we went to see Transformers with a dear, dear friend–G’s best friend N, a guy that I really do adore. N married us. He has so, so many endearing qualities, really. He also has no kids, and has never tried to make a baby with anyone, including his now ex-wife. (You can see where this is going, right?) N knows we’ve been trying, has heard us express how much it sucks. His advice has always been, “well, just keep fucking–gotta work sometime, right?” True enough, unless of course fucking actually doesn’t work for us. Which it hasn’t so far. (And PLEASE, N and everyone else, stop saying things like “must be fun to try!” to me. This is how I can spot the People Who’ve Never Tried to Make a Baby at fifty paces–there is NOTHING fun about sex on a schedule, but only those who’ve never tried it are likely to think there is.)

But maybe there’s a reason people like N think baby-making sex is easy and “fun”–they don’t even know how it works! Yesterday after N’s most recent assertion of “just keep (having fun) fucking,” I grumbled something about how that window had closed a couple of weeks ago, and he totally didn’t get it:

Me: You know there’s only like 24 hours every month when a woman can actually get pregnant, right? [not technically true, as an egg can sometimes live for up to 48 hours, but close enough since most sources say 12-24 hours.]

N: [sure I am kidding] What? 24 hours? Getouttahere!

Me: [patiently] The egg only lives 24 hours max after it’s released, that’s why the sperm is supposed to be waiting in there already… [trails off in face of blank/incredulous stare]

N: [uncomfortable silence, then brightens.] Look, I say Just Keep Fucking!

Me: [bangs head on table]

See what I am working with? Yeah, there are plenty of people out there who figure, ANY time you have sex you could get pregnant. For folks like this, the whole process of the menstrual cycle, of ovulation, of (literally) how babies are made, remains a magical mystery. P.S., this guy is forty years old, and has an elite Northeast college degree.

Still, I wonder whether we would be pregnant by now if I were so woefully unaware of the workings of my own body. Maybe ignorance IS bliss. Of course, it’s too late for us, but to any people out there just starting the TTC process, I recommend avoiding the internet and anything written by Toni Weschler. Babies come from the stork, and that’s all the information you need. Well, that and Just Keep… you know.


4 Responses to “Finally, seeing red.”

  1. MN Says:

    Sorry for your negative. I too am African American (well educated) and a true infertile (trying for 2 years with no success). I know how it feels to see red month after month without any great explanation. This is a really important blog you have started. There are many of you (us) in this situation but the other blogs don’t always speak to our unique experiences. I’m praying for your success.

  2. Hi, I accidently stumbled upon your introduction posting and had to smile. See, I’m Hispanic and all of the women in my family have lots and lots of babies. Hispanic families tend to run on the ‘huge’ side. And we’re constantly asked…when are you having another one…constantly. My husband and I have a lovely daughter but we have been struggling to have a second child. Infertility doesn’t discrimminate.

    Wishing you best on your upcoming cycle and I hope you have a great vacation.

  3. Mel Says:

    I’m glad you delurked today! And this post is just so true. I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard the “well the sex must be fun” wink wink nudge nudge from educated, sensitive people. Who just don’t get it.

  4. Van Says:


    I’m soooo happy to find your blog. I’m a professional (psychologist), black woman of carribean decent, married 9 months, in my thirties. We started trying after 7 months of marriage and was lucky enough to get pregnant after 2 months, unfortunately we lost our baby, it was a blighted ovum. It was so disappointing and painful. After years of orchestrating conception, preventing it, monitoring and praying for your period — the time you’re ready to get knocked up — heartache. The only thing I know is that we are not alone. It’s just that no one talks about miscarriage or infertility, black or white, but especially people of color. That just adds to the stigma. I know a woman who has been trying for 8 years, she was diagnosed with endometriosis at age 25, so she was not a hard driving professional in her late 30’s delaying motherhood. It just happens– it is not as easy as it looks. Everyone’s grandmother and probably mother has had a miscarriage or still birth in her past–but we’d never know, because of the silence. Thank you for your openess, it matters.
    Good luck to all of us that are TTC.

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