Keeping our mouths shut, part two

July 13, 2007

The thing is, now that we’ve gotten ten cycles into this TTC thing, I feel I can understand why Mr. Fun and Ms. Wisdom might be avoiding us.

We’re people they told about their TTC efforts early on, when they were feeling optimistic. After all, Ms. Wisdom got pregnant right away, even though that pregnancy ended in a loss–when she told me about it, she had no reason to believe they’d have any trouble getting pregnant again, and staying that way. But since then, for whatever reason, things haven’t worked out. Maybe they’ve had more miscarriages. Or maybe getting pregnant again hasn’t happened easily at all, making that first quick success seem a lifetime away. And either way, every time they see us, they can probably tell that we’re wondering, “what’s happening with all of that, anyway?” Not that we have actually asked.

In other words, maybe they feel we are silently Womb Watching, that the constant undercurrent to our jovial conversations about movies and politics is us thinking, “why aren’t you pregnant?” and them thinking, “please don’t make us talk about it.”

I’ve felt that way about well-meaning people in our lives. I know how that unspoken conversation makes socializing tedious, and for us that’s without the added grief of a past miscarriage.

So this is why we keep trying to make contact with them, in spite of having little success. I want them to know we love them, we are still their friends when they feel like being friendly again–lately I’ve come out of hibernation a bit myself, and it’s been such a relief to find that my friends don’t hate me for being so distant, that they’re still there and still doing their best to be supportive.

And if we ever do get a chance to sit down over a meal with Ms. Wisdom and Mr. Fun again, I may have to break the silence about our own TTC efforts, if only so they know they aren’t alone in the world. They don’t have to spill their guts to us if they don’t want to, of course, but I hope knowing that we’re out here will make whatever they’re going through feel a tiny bit less isolating.

If anyone out there reading has advice on how to broach the subject of TTC and fertility with friends and acquaintances whom you know or suspect are struggling–I would love to hear your thoughts.

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2 Responses to “Keeping our mouths shut, part two”

  1. loren Says:

    I just wanted to stop by and say that, as a young, (24) Hispanic female I face the same surprise upon not becoming pregnant right away like all my minority counterparts. NOt only not right away- I got off birth control in May ’06, and we begin “trying” (also unheard of in our families) in August. I’m still here, empty womb and all. I feel ignorant to think that since all my cousins got pregnant accidentilly out of wedlock that I would fall pregnant right away as well! hmmm. Well, welcome to the “fertility web” and I hope you fall pregnant soon! 🙂

  2. Ariel Says:

    It sounds more to me like they are, potentially, just in the infertility whirlpool, where all the energy goes in, nothing comes out. I know I’ve responded just as you describe Ms. Wisdom–warmly, and with genuine delight at being contacted, but with no feeling of energy or outward momentum to keep up relationships. Especially if it seems like there is a lingering question. Although–except with a couple of personalities, I generally don’t expect people to be wondering. Maybe that’s naive. I see everyone as living rich full lives while I hit this roadblock and I expect my womb to be the last thing anyone is thinking of.

    (I feel like all this whirlpool/roadblock stuff sounds a tad negative, and I don’t mean to paint my couple and a half years as bad, just very quiet).

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