Still waiting for Aunt Flo

August 29, 2007

After that quick but generous episode of brown spotting on Monday night, I didn’t see any more spotting all day Tuesday. I went ahead and took my temperature Tuesday morning when I woke up, and again this morning, and both days the temp was still high, temps that would definitely be “above coverline” if I were charting properly (98.13 one day, 98.11 the other).

Pretty exciting, right? Spotting which starts 7 to 10 days after ovulation and quickly stops again, then continued high basal body temps–it’s right out of a Toni Weschler novel! (Oh wait, you mean all of that, “have sex around the time of ovulation and you’ll get pregnant” stuff isn’t science fiction? *shrug*)

So, once again I’d allowed myself to hope and fantasize about being knocked up–but today there was more spotting. I’m not sure when it started. Sometime in the afternoon, because when I went to the restroom before leaving home today at around 11:00am, I was still spot-free. When I got home tonight at 6:30pm, though (and no, I hadn’t been to the bathroom in nearly seven hours. I told you I have a bladder of steel!), there it was, plain to see. More of that godforsaken spotting, harbinger of menstrual doom. Ironically enough, I had a similar false alarm last month–the day after I reported a temp dip and spotting, the spotting stopped and my temp went back up to around 98 degrees, only to plummet again the next day when AF finally arrived.

Today’s spotting is still brown, though, so I’m still waiting for the official arrival of scarlet, which will herald day one of our 12th and final cycle as so-called “normal” people. If cycle 12 is a bust, it’s on to actual “infertility treatment”; we can finally seek a diagnosis and figure out why TTC hasn’t been working for us.

I’m assuming my temp will drop tomorrow morning, and I’ll see red blood–making this month a much more normal 26-day cycle. I wonder if it’s a good sign that my temp has stayed high for a couple of days after the first bit of spotting started? My completely uninformed thought is that the higher temps for longer would indicate a better hormonal balance between estrogen and progesterone–maybe now that I’ve lost some weight (13 lbs as of this morning!) my fat stores aren’t flooding my body with as much excess estrogen, so my progesterone levels are better able to keep my temp high. Or maybe weight has nothing to do with anything, and the high temps are just a fluke, who knows. I am most certainly not a medical doctor.

Anyway. We’re having a big party this weekend–the only good thing about not being pregnant is that I can guzzle champagne with impunity. Oh, and eat deli meat again! Do you know how hard it is to be on a diet and unable to eat deli chicken or turkey on a sandwich? Ah, the two week wait, she is a cruel mistress.

Got up after typing that lovely, optimistic post about my imaginary “pregnancy symptoms” and my still-high hopes for this cycle, only to find copious brown spotting–I thought I’d felt something happening down there as I typed, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. “Delusional” does seem about right.

So, the bad news (apart from the larger issue of, Not Pregnant AGAIN): looks like another really short cycle, at 24 or 25 days. I’m almost positive that I have a luteal phase issue based on how late in the cycle I typically ovulate.

The good news: my regular exercise routine this month might be the reason I had no warning cramps. I hope this means a less crampy period overall.

*Sigh*

Busy, busy, busy.

August 27, 2007

Yet again I am slow to update, but this time I have a moderately good excuse–today was the first day of classes, so over the weekend I was busy preparing for the semester. You know, by purchasing various important supplies. I wore that second pair to teach in today, and actually survived fairly well for the full six hours I was on campus–but I was very glad to put my sneakers back on for the commute home!

Happily, my students are adorable. No obvious troublemakers or crazies (I’ve had both in the past, and once, both in one class), and they are such a diverse and fascinating bunch! I hope this semester continues to go well.

Meanwhile, this past weekend we also attended a baby shower–and we have another one coming up in a couple of weeks. Contrary to expectation, I loved seeing our two pregnant friends, and even indulged in some energetic fantasizing about when it’s “my turn.” It helps that we didn’t get any intrusive questions about our reproductive status. For once! That was a relief. And once again our friends’ gorgeous almost-three year old daughter took my breath away with how perfectly sweet, bright, healthy and well-adjusted she is. I really hope when we become parents we can raise a child so well.

Interestingly enough, while there I overheard a related conversation among some other party guests, none of whom I know personally. The woman speaking was saying to a couple of other, much older women, “My hubby and I don’t have any children yet–but we do eventually want a couple.” The other women assured her, “Oh, you have time–” and she replied, “I know, but if you can believe it I’ll be 40 this year!” To which at least one person said, “Well, you’re still young.” She sounded relieved–“That *is* still young, right? I’m glad to hear you say that!” Everyone in this conversation was a black woman.

Of course, as I eavesdropped, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Well, 40’s not THAT young.” But in keeping with my new attempts at more positive thinking, I immediately squashed that thought, and replaced it with, “I really hope she has absolutely NO trouble conceiving.” And honestly, I do. Still, I am very surprised when I hear these kinds of conversations–my mom recently told me about an acquaintance of hers whose 42-year old daughter still talks about their plans to have kids “in the future,” much to her mother’s chagrin. Of course, I don’t know if such seemingly naive women are only talking this way to deflect unwanted attention to their fertility–maybe they’ve been trying for years and just don’t want to tell the world about it.

If such talk is not a clever ruse, though, then I can’t help but worry for folks like the woman I overheard at the party. She could really be in for an unpleasant surprise. But as I said–I hope she’s yet another miraculous black fertility success story. For that matter, I hope *I* am, too.

A propos of that–no sign of Aunt Flo yet, although today’s only CD24. No particularly promising symptoms, except some throbbing pains in my left breast the other night, and similar but less intense pains tonight. I was also woken up out of sleep by a desperate need to pee last night at about 3am–something that almost never happens to me, and I’m in the habit of drinking a tall glass of water each night before going to bed. I have a bladder of steel, I tell you! Not last night, though.

Still, all that seems pretty dubious. And again, only CD24, and depending on when I ovulated, only 7 or 10DPO. As you may recall, though, this time last cycle I was already cramping, and my period started on the equivalent of CD26. So it looks like this month my cycle just might stretch a bit longer than last. But I’ve been eating better and exercising regularly–in years past, I have managed to forestall my period’s arrival slightly with regular exercise. So I might just have fitnessed myself into a longer cycle, meaning I could start bleeding by the end of the week.

One surefire way to know whether we’re headed for pregnancy or period this go-round is to start taking my temperature again, but, well, I guess I just don’t want to know. I’ve been enjoying the fantasy that I might have magically gotten knocked up this month, so I’m going to keep it up until I have incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

Delusional? Maybe. But I’m comfortable with that.

Password off.

August 23, 2007

Okay, I think the “danger” has long passed, so I’ve removed the password from the blog. Thanks for your patience, gentle readers.

Bigger is totally better.

August 22, 2007

First off, my apologies for going so long without posting, especially with the added password-protection! Some of you undoubtedly want to know the backstory on that: basically, G accidentally passed along the blog’s address to a relative of his, and I completely panicked, as this is the last person I’d want reading about our struggles with I/F. The danger has probably passed, so I’ll take the password off soon.

Preparing for the start of the semester has also been keeping me away from the blog–between now and next week, when classes start, I have to finish two reports I am writing for a major departmental committee, finish uploading my course information to Blackboard, and complete an online interview about my recently published book (this I’m very excited about, of course, as it’s my first such interview, but I’m also nervous about how I’ll come off in the journal. I don’t want to sound incompetent!).

By far the biggest news around here, however, is that new toy I alluded to a few posts ago… G and I are now the proud owners of a new Hi-Def plasma television! Forty-two inches of beautiful, crystal-clear picture, and I just LOVE it. I know it’s not very scholarly of me to be so enamored of a gigantic TV, but what can I say? At heart, I’m pretty lowbrow.

Here’s a photo, which of course doesn’t do it justice:

new TV

Yay!

Oh yeah, and for folks checking in for news of my uterus–well, we’re back in the 2ww, again. I’m not sure exactly when I ovulated, but I definitely have (my temp, although inconclusive over the weekend, has been clearly at a post-O level for a few days, plus I got a “sort of positive” OPK strip on Thursday or Friday). So I guess it’s time to be patient and see what happens. At least I have our new, huge TV to keep me distracted.

P.S. As of this morning I’ve officially lost 12 pounds. Which is good, since I’ve had a pretty terrible diet day today. Hopefully I can make up for it with extra cardio and better eating tomorrow.