Doing the impossible.

August 5, 2007

On to our eleventh cycle–today’s CD2.

Over dinner tonight I told G that I might want to “take a break” from TTC for this cycle. Not actually prevent pregnancy using contraception (ha!) but just not “try” so damn hard. There is NO WAY we can have that much sex again, for instance. What if, for the next few weeks, we just had sex when we felt like it and let the cards fall where they may? It’s not like we’ve had results from taking the more aggressive approach for ten months.

Even as I said this bit about stepping back from “trying,” though, I wondered to myself whether it was really possible–if there’s even a chance I could get pregnant in a given cycle, is it possible for me NOT to obsess and orchestrate and actually “try” that cycle? A couple of months ago when we wanted some time off I actually used an old pack of birth control pills that I had left from before we’d started trying–now THAT was a break. When I knew there was no way I could get pregnant, I could really relax.

Maybe “not trying” won’t be an impossible thing, though, since this cycle and next are our last two cycles before the diagnosis “infertile.” This late in the game, said diagnosis seems inevitable, and I’m actually not afraid of it. In fact, I’m looking forward to getting some Answers. And after all of the unsuccessful “trying” we did last month–the equivalent of pedaling a rickety bike with broken gears up a hill, only to find that the tree full of ripening fruit you’d hoped to find had been picked clean before you got there–I feel like we might as well coast the rest of the way downhill to Infertilityville on sheer momentum.

Of course, I may feel differently once my period’s over and I start seeing EWCM–the urge to schedule dull, baby-making sex when that stuff appears is like a Pavlovian response at this point.


2 Responses to “Doing the impossible.”

  1. loren Says:

    I completely understand your feelings. We tried so hard some cycles, only to fail miserably at the end! Don’t pressure yourselves; if it feels right, do it- especially if it feels right on EWCM days. 😉 But I tried for 12 cycles before getting pregnant, so it’s not unheard of!
    Good luck with this next cycle, I hope its the one.

  2. lisalou Says:

    I’m so excitied to have “met” you! I feel as though we have in common in the ttc world. I think I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. I loved reading your most recent posts and I totaly agree on the whole foodie vs inner olympian thing. Good luck with not trying this cycle and I’ll be checking back soon.

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