Back from the Masturbatorium*

February 16, 2008

So, G finally got his semen analyzed. They told him it would be ten days before the results are available, which I find fairly suspicious, because when I talked to my RE about the SA process way back when, she suggested that “he’ll get results the same day.” I am guessing this means that the results will probably be available much sooner than February 23, but that in case they aren’t, the office doesn’t want to be hounded in the meantime. So they keep expectations low. 

That is, however, a long-winded way of telling you that we don’t have the results yet. I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, I can report that G complained bitterly (okay, not so bitterly, but he did complain) of the outdated porn (VHS tape, anyone?), lack of lubrication, and general weirdness of the entire experience. Weird, you say, old chap? Try having radioactive dye shot up your hoo-ha, among other indignities, many of which still await. Not that it’s a competition.

Happily, we had a great Valentine’s Day celebration the following evening. Thanks for all of your responses about your own takes on V-day–asha vere, I hope you had a great birthday. 🙂 And I also had no idea that folks were celebrating this holiday in the seventeenth century and before, so many thanks to Ariel for correcting my “Hallmark holiday” assumption! I subsequently felt very sophisticated and historic as I exchanged cards with G over dinner. Which was fabulous, by the way. We did, indeed, go to Stone Park Cafe, and here is what we had:

1. Delicious, delicious raspberry champagne cocktails

2. A complimentary amuse-bouche of creamy asparagus soup with truffle oil and parmesan shavings (omigod, heavenly)

3. A light green salad with the tiniest, thinnest, most delicate slices of cucumber that I had ever encountered in a salad

4. An organic, grass-fed “steak for two,” perfectly prepared to medium-rare, brought out from the kitchen at the end of cooking so we could see how beautiful it was, then whisked away again, sliced up prettily, and returned to our table ready to eat

5. Silky creamed spinach (seriously, this was one of the best things I tasted that evening, although I was too full of steak to eat as much of it as I would have liked) and thyme-roasted baby red potatoes as sides.

6. A slim column of chocolate mousse cake, which was just as tasty as you might imagine chocolate mousse cake to be.

Mmmm. *drools at the recollection* It was AWESOME.
Then G gave me a really wonderful, perfect, romantic gift: a book on writing fiction! With exercises! I have been commending him on this gift constantly, because it was so super-thoughtful and he has a somewhat spotty track record on gifts for me.
THEN we came home and had really, really fantastic sex (too much information? Sorry! But it *is* my report on Valentine’s day…).
and then, as the piece de resistance (pronounce that with a French accent, please, as you read this to yourself), we chilled out on the sofa and watched Lost on the DVR. A Lost episode that featured a cleaned-up, killing-machine Sayid (Naveen Andrews), who is one of my favorite characters on the show. Yum.

I mean, does a night get better than that? I think not. I hope you all had a good day/night, whatever you were up to; belated Valentine wishes to one and all.

*have you seen Running With Scissors, folks? I can’t exactly say that I recommend it, but it might be worth it just so you can see the “masturbatorium” scene. HILARIOUS.

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One Response to “Back from the Masturbatorium*”


  1. Hi there: Thanks for the update.

    Enjoyed. Masturbatorium tales. LOL. Uhmmm my hubby would complain but only for my benefit, I’m certain. This is a man who has an exam and has to apologise to the nurse for his reaction to the stimulus.

    Further the talk about the die up the hoo-ha followed by a mouth watering account of your sumptuous V-Day fare.

    And here, it all seems perfectly natural. It’s like learning a new language. Baby Making Babble!

    And a hoo-ha us what? Kidding.

    Just love the irony.

    Again thanks for the update and the giggle.:D Cute!

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