All-around bummed.

February 27, 2008

I just got off the phone with the RE’s office; my chart is in Dr. No-Nonsense’s office, so the nurses can’t get to it, apparently, to give me more info on G’s sickle-cell results (clearly that means that Dr. No-Nonsense is not in yet–I don’t know whether she’ll be in today). The best they could do was promise me a call back when they are able to get their hands on the chart.

So, naturally I am frustrated. Hence, I am blogging instead of working; I have meetings back to back starting at 11:00am, one of which I need to make some photocopies for, so I don’t have much time to write a real post. Still, I’m really annoyed and upset, and not just at the clinic for being so (seemingly) incompetent.

Some reasons why I am bummed:

1. I’m wondering if I made a bad decision on going with Columbia over NYU in terms of choosing an RE. I am not liking how they’ve handled this situation at all; if you are going to make me worry about sickle-cell by informing me that I have the trait, the least you could do is have my husband’s blood test results ready at the same time, so I will know for sure whether it’s a concern or not. And to be unable to locate my chart when I call back for information? AARGH.

(Clearly, overnight I’ve become one of those “hysterical” infertile women that I didn’t quite understand before I got to the treatment stage, railing against insensitive nurses and disorganized clinics. I was always sympathetic, but I never really “got it” until now. Stop jerking me around, Columbia! Just give me the information I need so I can know what is what and stop feeling quite so helpless.)

2. My doubts about parenthood are back. Maybe this just isn’t for me. Or maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom. It’s not my lifelong dream, becoming a mom, as it is for some women. (Hello, Jennifer Garner in Juno). I don’t feel I was “born to be a mother.” So why should we even go down this road, which seems to be such a difficult and complicated one so far, if I’m not even 100% sure that parenting is right for me?

I know a lot of people who are ambivalent end up happy parents anyway, but in those cases often their bodies or their partners’ bodies decide for them–an accidental or unexpected pregnancy means they’re on the road to parenthood, like it or not. Maybe our bodies are deciding for us too, just in the opposite direction. Which seems so unfair, since while I don’t feel born to be a mom, I do feel like I’d like to give it a try anyway, especially with G. But it’s hard not to feel like the universe is telling me bio-parenthood is not for us. (I need to write a separate post with my thoughts about adoption, but I’m not ready to go there yet)

3. I am also hating the hurry-up-and-wait aspects of this process. Not just the clinic snafus, but also, as I alluded to at the end of last post, the other bureaucratic stuff that means we really need to wait until May or June to do a cycle. Why? Because my institution has no maternity leave policy.

This means that if I give birth in January, when school is not in session (which is when I’d be due if we did a cycle in April or even late March) I would be expected to use January break as my “leave.” If I give birth in the summer, I would be expected to use summer break as my “leave.” If I give birth in the fall semester, I could take 6 weeks paid using my sick leave (or up to 12 weeks with a special doctor’s note that I needed extra time to heal), but this would not cover the entire semester. So I’d need to be back to work when the 6-12 weeks were up. And then I’d have to work spring semester, when said kid was 2-4 months old.

The only good time to give birth (especially now that we can’t afford for me to take unpaid time off) is early spring. Then I could use sick leave for 6-12 weeks paid, and have the summer paid, and go back to work in the fall when my kid was closer to 6 months old. Which is still too young for daycare in my opinion, but what can we do?

See what I mean about the universe conspiring against us?

I have to go to my meeting, so I’m going to post this. I may edit later.

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Got up after typing that lovely, optimistic post about my imaginary “pregnancy symptoms” and my still-high hopes for this cycle, only to find copious brown spotting–I thought I’d felt something happening down there as I typed, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. “Delusional” does seem about right.

So, the bad news (apart from the larger issue of, Not Pregnant AGAIN): looks like another really short cycle, at 24 or 25 days. I’m almost positive that I have a luteal phase issue based on how late in the cycle I typically ovulate.

The good news: my regular exercise routine this month might be the reason I had no warning cramps. I hope this means a less crampy period overall.

*Sigh*

Yeah, so, I ended up taking a much more sensitive test tonight around 7pm, around 52 hours after the last negative. And surprise, surprise, it’s also negative. Given that this test detects half as much hCG as the other one I took, and that my body’s had two days to double the supposed amount in my system, I’m now pretty convinced that I’m not pregnant at all, that I ovulated later than I thought, that we thus totally missed the window this month, and that my period will show up in a couple of days, not really “late” at all. Sigh. I had a big glass of Syrah at Houston’s tonight.