Back from the Masturbatorium*

February 16, 2008

So, G finally got his semen analyzed. They told him it would be ten days before the results are available, which I find fairly suspicious, because when I talked to my RE about the SA process way back when, she suggested that “he’ll get results the same day.” I am guessing this means that the results will probably be available much sooner than February 23, but that in case they aren’t, the office doesn’t want to be hounded in the meantime. So they keep expectations low. 

That is, however, a long-winded way of telling you that we don’t have the results yet. I’ll keep you posted. Meanwhile, I can report that G complained bitterly (okay, not so bitterly, but he did complain) of the outdated porn (VHS tape, anyone?), lack of lubrication, and general weirdness of the entire experience. Weird, you say, old chap? Try having radioactive dye shot up your hoo-ha, among other indignities, many of which still await. Not that it’s a competition.

Happily, we had a great Valentine’s Day celebration the following evening. Thanks for all of your responses about your own takes on V-day–asha vere, I hope you had a great birthday. 🙂 And I also had no idea that folks were celebrating this holiday in the seventeenth century and before, so many thanks to Ariel for correcting my “Hallmark holiday” assumption! I subsequently felt very sophisticated and historic as I exchanged cards with G over dinner. Which was fabulous, by the way. We did, indeed, go to Stone Park Cafe, and here is what we had:

1. Delicious, delicious raspberry champagne cocktails

2. A complimentary amuse-bouche of creamy asparagus soup with truffle oil and parmesan shavings (omigod, heavenly)

3. A light green salad with the tiniest, thinnest, most delicate slices of cucumber that I had ever encountered in a salad

4. An organic, grass-fed “steak for two,” perfectly prepared to medium-rare, brought out from the kitchen at the end of cooking so we could see how beautiful it was, then whisked away again, sliced up prettily, and returned to our table ready to eat

5. Silky creamed spinach (seriously, this was one of the best things I tasted that evening, although I was too full of steak to eat as much of it as I would have liked) and thyme-roasted baby red potatoes as sides.

6. A slim column of chocolate mousse cake, which was just as tasty as you might imagine chocolate mousse cake to be.

Mmmm. *drools at the recollection* It was AWESOME.
Then G gave me a really wonderful, perfect, romantic gift: a book on writing fiction! With exercises! I have been commending him on this gift constantly, because it was so super-thoughtful and he has a somewhat spotty track record on gifts for me.
THEN we came home and had really, really fantastic sex (too much information? Sorry! But it *is* my report on Valentine’s day…).
and then, as the piece de resistance (pronounce that with a French accent, please, as you read this to yourself), we chilled out on the sofa and watched Lost on the DVR. A Lost episode that featured a cleaned-up, killing-machine Sayid (Naveen Andrews), who is one of my favorite characters on the show. Yum.

I mean, does a night get better than that? I think not. I hope you all had a good day/night, whatever you were up to; belated Valentine wishes to one and all.

*have you seen Running With Scissors, folks? I can’t exactly say that I recommend it, but it might be worth it just so you can see the “masturbatorium” scene. HILARIOUS.


Hi folks! As the first part of the post title makes clear, things around here have been crazy. Big shout outs to those of you who left comments on my last couple of posts, though, especially the ones who just found this blog. Jennphur, cdb, and SJH, welcome–sorry you wandered in right when my posting has slowed down due to the beginning of the semester, but hopefully my schedule will improve by the end of the month so that I can blog more. Meanwhile, good luck on the current IVF cycles, cdb and SJH–I hope they lead to healthy pregnancies and beautiful late 2008/early 2009 babies.

Apropos of that, it’s finally the week for G’s SA, this Wednesday (wow, time flies!). I’m going in for bloodwork as well. Should be an adventure. I will be SO glad finally to know just what is up with G’s sperm. Hopefully it’s perfectly normal, and we can go on to Clomid and IUI with no concerns. My guess is that if we do have male factor issues, depending on the problem, my doc might want us to skip to IVF–and that makes me more nervous, just because of the injections. I’m sure I can handle it, of course, but if I have a choice between a pill and a needle, I’d probably choose the pill in most cases. Well, we’ll see. I’ll certainly report back when we have some news (probably by Wednesday afternoon).

Unrelated to fertility, and related to part two of the post title, I do have a question for you all: what’s your take on Valentine’s Day? Personally, I’m torn. I know that it’s just a “Hallmark holiday,” and that it’s pretty much a completely arbitrary date that has nothing concrete to do with anything about “love.” And that it happens to be a convenient way to stimulate consumer spending in the dull period between the expensive winter holiday season and the spendy spring/summer months. But on the other hand, I sort of love the romance of a day about romance, and the one time that I was dating someone who was all invested in those external “romantic” signs (not G, alas), it was lots of fun to get dressed up and go out, be given fancy presents, and get treated like a princess for the evening.

At this point I guess I sort of split the difference. I got G a really nice card, which I plan to fill with nice sentiment, and if we don’t go out to dinner (we’re wait-listed for reservations at our current favorite restaurant, so it might not work out) I suppose we’ll have a nice dinner at home, or perhaps do something more fun than romantic, like go see Jumper. But I’m not expecting lavish gifts–I told G, yes please to flowers or candy or something simple–and I’m figuring it ultimately won’t be that big of a deal.What about you? Big lovey-dovey plans? Or do you scoff at such silliness? 

For those of you scratching your heads over the title of this post, a bit of backstory–while our cable was out we watched a bunch of Chappelle’s Show on DVD. Dave Chappelle is a comedic genius as far as I’m concerned. And so freaking smart. I’m incredibly sad that he stopped doing his show, although I think I understand his reasons. But American race relations (and comedy) need him! Carlos Mencia is not at all a good replacement. Please–come back, Dave!

In any case, the post title is actually a question from a hilarious skit called “I Know Black People,” a game show that asked real people crazy trivia questions about black folks. And if you know black people, you know that a badonkadonk is a slang term for an ample boo-tay, and a nice one at that.

What does this have to do with Cityprof, you might be asking yourself? Well, I think my own personal badonkadonk is looking pretty good these days, and the proof is that I just bought a pair of jeans in a SIZE TWELVE! Really, I haven’t worn a 12 since before I met G in 2002. Back then I had a pair of tight leather pants that I simply loved. Over the years they’ve been a mental symbol of when I was my “thinnest” as a fully-grown woman, although they went to the Goodwill long ago.

This weekend, though, I realized that due to the recent weight loss (25.5 lbs and counting), all of my size 14 jeans are way too big, even the ones that used to be a little tight. Wearing too-big size 14 work pants is one thing–not only do you not want your work clothes to be too form-fitting for professionalism’s sake, but also, it’s not like I want my students checking out my behind the entire class period. Hot for teacher indeed.

But jeans, jeans are for the weekends, for social events, and they are supposed to fit snugly. And show off the assets, if you know what I mean.

So although I do have more weight to lose, I decided to try on some new jeans at the mall on Saturday. On a whim, I picked up a size 12 DKNY pair that looked promising, and lo and behold–they fit like a glove. I present the visual evidence below:

Not bad, eh? I’m sure Sir Mixalot himself would be proud.