…and/or, “if my words are that powerful, then why aren’t I already pregnant?” Remember last post, written on Sunday before I had even started seeing any menstrual signs? When in the process of musing about when my period might arrive, I wrote:

I vote for Tuesday, though, because I have to go into the city for meetings on Wednesday anyway, and that way waking up at 6:00am so as to make sure I leave by 7:00am and get to the clinic for my bloodwork by 8:00am will be much less painful.

Well, after the most minor of spotting late last night, Aunt Flo arrived first thing this (Tuesday) morning, right on time. Which means I will be going in for my bloodwork tomorrow at the crack of dawn, just as I requested of the universe. Or, you know, voted for.

Dear Universe,

While you’re feeling receptive, I also vote that I get and stay pregnant sometime between March and August of 2008, that I have a normal, uneventful pregnancy, and that I deliver a happy, healthy baby. Oh, and I vote that I get a huge raise next year without any increase in responsibilities and without having to change jobs, and that my college institutes a decent maternity leave policy just in time for me to benefit from it. Thank you kindly for your cooperation!

Yours truly,

P.S. Yesterday I bought a pair of jeans in a size 10, which is a size I’ve never worn as an adult. Clearly, size 10s aren’t what they used to be, but also, wow, is that weight training working or is it working? I practically feel “skinny”!


As promised, I’m back with more on why I’ve decided to stop trying so hard to conceive. Warning, spiritual woo-woo talk ahead. But first, a practical update:

All that frantic working last week seems to have gotten me down, healthwise–for the past three and a half days I’ve had a nasty cold. It came on fast Saturday afternoon while we were at our second baby shower in three weeks (unanticipated plus: no time to angst over my fertility when I had a newly scratchy throat and runny nose to focus on), and forced us to cancel plans with my in-laws on Sunday. I dragged myself to school on Monday in spite of the cold, since due to Rosh Hashanah we had the rest of the week off anyway, so I knew time to rest was forthcoming.

I’m feeling a lot better today, but it’s CD14 and G and I haven’t had sex at all yet, which may make getting pregnant this cycle a tad difficult. Maybe we’ll manage some “I’m healed” loving tonight, though. He’s a bit depressed right now–about issues completely unrelated to sex/babies (more on that in another post)–so I don’t know whether he’ll be up for it, but we’ll see.

Anyhoo, on to my “not trying” plans. As you know, I’ve been reading this book, which talks about the idea of a universal Law of Attraction. From the book:

Every thought vibrates, every thought radiates a signal, and every thought attracts a matching signal back. We call that process the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction says: That which is like unto itself is drawn. And so, you might see the powerful Law of Attraction as a sort of Universal Manager that sees to it that all thoughts that match one another line up. (25)

(Yes, they really do italicize Law of Attraction every time. You get used to it)

What this boils down to is that if you want something, the best way to get it is to “hold yourself consistently in vibrational harmony” (25) with your desire, so it will come to you. In other words, what you focus on will manifest in your life. The tricky thing, of course, is that often when we want something, say, more money, we focus on our current lack of money rather than on abundance and prosperity.

I have a lot of relatives who habitually say things like, “I am always/so broke.” According to the ideas in this book, if your constant focus is on how “broke” you are, how little money you have, then you’ll continue to attract that state of being, even if what you really want is to have plenty of money. But focus on the abundance that already exists in your life, the theory goes, and you will attract more of that to you instead. So changing your way of thinking and talking to something like, “I always end up having money when I need it” might start the process of attracting money instead of the lack of money.

I’ve seen this work in different ways in my own life, but I definitely have had trouble translating it to fertility. One thing that seems clear is that repeatedly focusing on infertility is only going to attract more infertility–and yes, I’ve considered changing the title of my blog–but I’m not exactly clear on what to focus on instead. How do you focus on something as nebulous as fertility? Or should I be focusing on pregnancy? As I’ve never been pregnant, this one is particularly hard. Should I focus on the joys of parenting, even though I haven’t experienced these yet? Or maybe on the joyful presence of babies and children in my life?

(See how easy it is to adjust to overuse of italicization? You probably didn’t even notice)

OK, so I still haven’t quite figured that part out. BUT, I did read something that rang very true to me. The book’s authors say, imagine yourself as head of a large corporation, with thousands of people working for you and helping to make your business successful. But imagine that you have almost no personal contact with your employees–instead you have a high-powered manager who does this work: “So, whenever you get an idea about something, you express it to your manager, who says, ‘I’ll take care of that right away.’ And he does. Efficiently. Effectively. Precisely. Just the way you like it” (280). Many of us, they suggest, might think to ourselves–I wish I had a manager like that for my life! To which they respond:

And we say to you, You do have a manager who is that and much more. You have a manager who works continually on your behalf called the Law of Attraction, and you have only to ask in order for this Universal Manager to jump to your request. (280)

But as the book points out, most of us don’t see things in this way. We “have this manager, but [we] continue to hold the responsibility in [our] own heart[s]” (280). In other words, we might accept the idea of the Law of Attraction, but we still assume that we have to do all the work. Which is like having a high-powered manager that you pay to sit on a beach somewhere while you hustle around doing everything yourself. And what is the point of even having a manager if you have to do everything yourself?

So, they write,

[S]etting goals is like delegating to the Universal Manager And achieving the vibration of allowing is like standing back and trusting your manager to set things into place, trusting that when something is required of you, your manager will bring your attention to it. In other words, when another decision [or action] is needed from you, you will be aware of it. (281)

This makes a LOT of sense to me, perhaps because I am a control freak who has a very hard time delegating anything. It’s in my nature to want to manage everything myself, which may explain why I was all over TTC from our first month of trying. A lot of people spend a few months NTNTC (not trying not to conceive), just having sex and “seeing what happens.” Not us! I’d been charting for 3 months before we started trying, I was using OPKs from month two or three, and scheduled sex was de rigueur for us from month one.

In other words, I was busy managing the process instead of trusting that it would happen for us.

Now, let me be clear–I’m not trying to say that infertility in general is merely a matter of people not trusting the universe enough, or vibrating wrong, or whatever. That would be more than a little presumptuous of me, and I am not so far immersed in the woo woo that I’m unable to acknowledge the role that medical issues like anovulation, hormonal imbalances, male factor, etc. play in 85% of infertility cases.

But it’s clear that I was not working from any such concrete diagnosis when we started trying, and yet I never really gave “just see what happens” a fighting chance. I’ve tried to control the process completely from the very beginning, mostly (again, speaking only for myself) out of fear that if I didn’t, it wouldn’t work. Which means my focus has, from really early on, been on potential problems with conceiving rather than on… well, whatever I’d do better to focus on that’s the opposite of infertility. I don’t have to run through all those italicized terms with you again, do I?

So, I’ve figured I will chill out and let “my manager” do some work for a while. That’s what I’m paying him for, right? I have totally been letting my manager lounge on the beach while I worked my ass off as head of this TTC corporation. No more. That guy is going to start earning his keep!

As far as I can tell, unless/until the doctors tell us otherwise, the only thing truly required of G and me to get pregnant is that we have sex (even I am not enough of a believer to trust my universal manager with an immaculate conception). As I said, we haven’t done much of that so far this month, but then, I don’t think I’ve ovulated quite yet either–the earliest I’ve ever ovulated, to my knowledge, is CD15–so hopefully rising above the mucous to fit in some sex tonight, and maybe tomorrow, will fulfill our end of the bargain.

And then I’m just going to sit back and let the universe do its thing.